(actually written 6-21-04)

 

Walking along the waterfront

Eyes surveying my surroundings

Looking for a clue, a sign

Any of them who walk on by

Day dreaming and fantasizing

Of anyone I'll know or knew

The final piece of the puzzle

The hole I've so longed to fill

 

Stopping and screaming up high

Bottle shatters in my hand

Unable to turn over a new leaf

Saddened I'm missing the link

 

Stretched out upon my safe place

Longing for you to hold me

Wondering what you're doing

And if you dream of me too

I imagine my hand in your hand

All the pet names you lay upon me

Finally feeling adoration and hope

Loving you, my dark princess

 

Stopping and screaming up high

Bottle shatters in my hand

Unable to turn over a new leaf

Saddened I'm missing the link

 

 

 

 

 

 

(7-2-04)

 

So pure, so vulnerable

Panoramic mountain view

Dirt road somwhere in Texas

Hazy and dusty from the high winds

Desire to reach, the need to push

You coming towards me

Dressed in black and red, you smile

Not all may understand what I'm feeling here

Scoffed and scolded, the feelings I leave behind

I don't want to die without

Trying to be all that I can inside

As infectious and diseased s  that is

I will find a way to survive

The end table in the hall

You left your number on top

Ricking everything I believe in you

Eyes closed, I picture a place

I only want to be adored, not hated

Swaying softly to music

Entrapping myself, feel so strong

You in my arms, your heart against mine

The two ambitions in my life

So innocently pure

7-25-04

 

Everything you never wanted to hear

Burning deep inside me

Ashes seeping from my bloodshot eyes

Invisible journal of how I hide inside

My life, something that possibly never should

Have been, outlasting any welcome i've given it

Hearts of gold walking past a heart of stone

Throwing out the possible solutions for truth

 

Why is this happening to me?
Am I just as ugly as I see myself?

No pill that could make me so blind

Silently drifting into a foreign world of hurt

Blood barely showing on the forearms I've cut

Just enough to break the skin so they don't show

Sometimes afraid you might try and save me

Sometimes admitting you are not coming

 

My head is filled with doubt and speculation

A painted face that only I can view

The point pressing against my sensitive skin

Physical pain awakening something inside

I'd so anything to become another entity

Begging for reincarnation and redemption

Begging for repayment for this inhumane torture

Push the nail deeper into my skin

 

Dispair birthed from an innocent child

So many hopes destroyed so quickly

Unable to move my head upward once again

Unable to lie that things will be okay

Maybe I've delayed the inevitable

Maybe my time has come

Rename me, morph me into something else

Closing my eyes and drifting off to a secret place

 

I need someone to scream my name

I need someone to hold my hand and reassure

Please touch me and remind me I'm alive

Don't let me drift away into an abyss

Hellish memories and current realization

Frustration pillowing my emotions inside

Confusion laying my attempts motionless

Begging for relief, for a life, or for death

 

Cut me open, let me bleed my poison

Amputate my soul as it's far too damaged

Cut me open, let me show my poison

Bury everything that's already dead