Journal

Brian

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Journal

2-10-05:

Oops. Tonight I kinda quit a job. I don't know why it has me so spooked. I just left MeritCare just 2 months ago. Seems like ages. It's just weird how much society has us locked in. I feel guilty for putting importance on my own happiness over need for income. I'm highly responsible, but sometimes I just get miserable and I've spent enough time being miserable. If you're in an unhappy relationship, you don't wait until you find someone better THEN leave that person (though some do). This is very similar. I've put importance on the main bills and main income. So, why go through the misery for just extra money for now. It's just amazing the amount of pressure I put on myself. Maybe I'm alone in that but I'm guessing not. I understand that I'm tough on myself because I'd really screw up otherwise. I go with my heart too much to be financially set without rules. I just have so many regrets. Wish things didn't turn out the way they did. Grandma's stabbing me in the back pretty much devestated me and in fact 2004 was a horrible year. It was all downhill until August or so and now it's back wavey again. I just wanna be happy. So simple. So difficult. We just gotta keep trying though otherwise we're just dead in the water. Floating and moving with the force of everything around us. it's time to "learn to swim" (Gotta love Tool). Peace!

-brian

1-7-05

Sometimes we think the people backing us are actually the ones we are at war with. It’s just not easily seen as such. Being stabbed in the back after a seven year legacy of determination and understanding wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve been through. In a way, ending the marriage in 2003 helped deal with this one. I just don’t understand why people have such a need to be so cold and heartless. Sure, it’s just business but the laws of humanity and morality weigh much higher than your revenues this year. I’ve never really held grudges, but to the two responsible for firing me over such a stupid reason,. . I hope I’m wrong about karma not existing. I really hate to be so vengeful and if you knew me well enough you’d know that this is a rarity. It’s hard to not take it so personally.

There is a strong element of pride though. This won’t even come close to destroying my faith in people even though I’ve been working alongside many of the people for over 7 years. Just as the marriage fell apart and all that, this will only make me stronger in the end. So, whatever problems we may face: look them in the eye, then turn away. I did just that and after a day of being pissed off to no end, I think I’ve grown sympathetic to the fact they have to live with themselves everyday. (holds up glass) to the changes of tomorrow: cheerz

Brian

11-27-04

Music: Depeche Mode

Mood: Fed up

I don't think any other band has really inspired the way I'm viewing life lately as Tool. Some may say I'm morbid, but I've almost had an "Aenima" style view of everything lately. Even now as I listen to Depeche. Granted even Maynard admits that the world can't be totally shit. But it wouldn't be to bad if mom "flushed it all away". Just that whole song gets me going lately. It always has to some extent but this is different. Almost like it's my words and feelings instead of another band's.

Anyway, it's not that I hate everyone because I really can't blame some people for being assholes or selfish. In this day and age, we kindof have to be. Society has decayed to the point of "fend for yourself" instead of thinking of others as well as yourself. The bad thing is everyone kinda shrugs off everyone, so there's more of this negativity going around which started the self protective thing in the first place. Then there's stupid people and assholes without reason. So, exceptions to just about every rule I suppose. I guess I don't really know what to say other than maybe it's time nature came in and just finished us as a race. We've destroyed about all we can. Maybe this way at least the planet has a chance. Time for the painkiller.

9-10-04:

Mood: Serious

Music: Pearl Harbor Theme

One day before the 3rd anniversary of September 11th. In a time where Russian schools are being visciously used to prove terrorist points. In a time where people in Florida prepare for yet another hurricane. In a time where people are raped, murdered, battered and hooked on chemicals - every single minute. In a time where millions of people are still unaware that everyone is just as important as they are.

Many times I've written in here that we all have a responsibility to try to do what we can for the person next to us. This is just a firmer point. It's something I've turned very passionate about because then our pain turns into our solution. I've secretly noticed a lot of problems laying in self awareness. Religious groups, historians, philosophers, and many others stating suddenly, "The end of the world." I look upon it as one simple fact. It could've been yesterday, or today. If there is such a thing as the end of the world in our time, almost nothing can stop it anyway. All we have control over is the present and then distantly, the future.

To me, the answer seems so simple. Politeness and respect. A week ago, I noticed a billboard on Main Avenue and it simply read "Be Polite." No cash-in advertisement, no long reason of why. Just "Be Polite." Respect, like politeness, that I think has totally disappeared in our modern day. We're so rapped up in hurrying the day along. Cell Phones, pizza delivery, fast food, broadband, speed limits. We've totally forgotten how to sit back, observe things, and enjoy life. Not driving drunk, asking someone how their day went, doing a simple favor for someone and showing appreciation for that favor being done to you. Did I make mistakes today? Yes, we all do everyday. So why rip apart and visciously attack someone for doing so. Have we lost the decency and the general moral of "not stooping that low"?

If I may be a bit more human for a moment. Does it matter when the end of the world is? Or that we may miss experiences? Most are still worried about money. Granted, we have our responsibilities in life and money is one of them, but don't forget the gift at hand. To quote Tool, "Celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing". I think if we took 10 seconds each day to close our eyes and remember how lucky we are to be here at all, we may go into the day with a bit more appreciation.

This may not be one of your best written essays. I may have misused the paragraphs like I normally do, or been a bit disorganized with my thoughts. I do know one thing though. I let my temper settle today and I invited a person out when I wanted to be anti-social. I did both because I thought it would benefit them. I'm not praising myself or anything, I just don't see why more people aren't getting it. End the worry about reality tv and what's in fashion. What's going on at home with your kids? Have you told your romantic partner how you appreciate being this lucky? Or have you made an attempt to resolve a negative situation, not to back down but to move ahead.

Tomorrow, wake up and lay there. For those 10 seconds. Think about those around you, and those we have lost this year and others. Think about all your dreams and aspirations you've yet to accomplish. Life isn't going to drop in our laps, we have to make it happen.

December 7th, 1941

September 11th, 2001

and every other day

we will overcome

Thank you for taking the time to read this message. By still being here, you have begun doing your part. Take Care.

-Brian

7-11-04:

Mood: Mellow

Music: Joy Division

Just sitting here pondering over the past days and thinking of future ones. There's really no deep thoughts going through my head at this moment which is actually kinda rare. Oh well. Don't drink and drive. . and uhhhh. . always remember. . he needs tp for his bunghole ;). Think about it for a minute.

6-22-04:

Mood: Sad and hurt

Music: "The Noose" by A Perfect Circle

What can be said when you no longer care enough to let it be known how badly you hurt inside? That is the point in which I've been confronted with. Becoming a person of silence and sorrow, I don't know if I could possibly make someone happy even if I was faced with a relationship. I guess it doesn't matter as I've noticed there's almost a cycle to what happens to me (not to sound self sympathetic). I get up and try, I watch the relationship blow up in my face. Then after writhing in pain and anguish for seemingly an eternity, I raise to my feet once again and try again only to get knocked down again. Like the one mythical story where the man has to roll the rock up the hill only to have it keep falling down three fourths of the way up to the top. For an eternity he is damned to this punishment. Is this what I am being faced with?

5-29-04:

Mood: Trying to stay awake

Music: John Lennon "Imagine"

I had to write some stuff in here because I have always found it interesting, though very sad. John Lennon, a longtime advocate for peace and non-violence, shot dead. It just seems like such a cruel irony and for that truely goes down as my pick for the saddest loss of a musician.

"Imagine", a song that was so true and painful on September 11th, 2001. Almost a preprotest song to terrorism. Obviously, his message runs deeper and more in the hearts of everyday people. Just treating each other better and with less hatred and pain. Understanding and self respect. Everytime I hear this song, I get a bit upset and sad because Lennon still hasn't had his dream come true. We're (human kind) still destroying ourselves and seems we're only closer to extinction than resolving conflict.

4-30-04:

Mood: Explorative

Music: Paradise Lost's "Pray Nightfall" (I LOVE this song)

I've been thinking a lot lately. This song seems to stimulate that in me extremely well. This may be read by more as I'm trying to promote the site a lot more lately. For those who are reading this as the first entry. I just write honestly in here, without fear of someone thinking less of me. Much like it's title "Journal".

I want to clarify something that very, very, very few completely understand about me and it's entirely crutial to the rest of my life. One person, out of respect I don't say who, seems to think that lately I'm out for sympathy as much as causing my own problems basically. I've never been so hurt as this person supposily knew me. So, I first want to extend the fact that I don't wish ill will on that person or anyone else that decides to speak their mind, it's your right. However, I feel this has to be said. In order for someone to be self-sympathetic (aka "whiner"), they'd have to expect everyone else to fix their problems and make them feel better. I don't yurn to find anything more than someone to simply take time out of their day to work with me. No judgments or opinions and most certainly taking my feelings into consideration (the latter isn't done often at all). For anyone who's had this severe depression (and a lot of you have), you'd know it's one of the most miserable feelings in the world. I don't long to suffer, I long to survive and conquer. I want to gain strength and achieve more, not weaken and fade away. For those who don't know me so well, I don't give up. I could be laying on the ground with a needle in my arm and I'll still be fighting. Today is nothing different. If I were looking for a way out, I'd have found it a long time ago and I almost did.

While I give great respect to one of you that happened to be there to save my ass that day, it's upsetting to hear you say that you'd up and drop me as a friend if I started using. (now switching to A Perfect Circle's "The Noose") That's just not the way you deal with things. I'd have dropped a lot of friends if that was the case. If a friend slipped up and ended up having a cutting incident, it's not going to do anything but damage to turn my back on them. Never in a million years would I do that to someone. Though there are difficult times in both our lives, sometimes people just clash and no longer get along. No ill will, no grudge.

With that said, I don't see many people up here supporting my decision to move to VA except Bruce. Now that motherfucker is cool :). In fact, to this day, not one single person has celebrated my "birthday" of June 7th. It's the anniversary of my overdose. Now, my ex-wife saw it as a morbid, whiney reminder. That pretty much shows why the marriage ended. I celebrate it to be thankful. Not many people are given a second chance and I look back and say to myself "Motherfuck. . EIGHT YEARS!!!". So tonight I'd like to just open up and speak of that . . .

Just think. . 8 years. It's hard to conceive exactly how much time that is without having to go through 8 years. In that time, I lost my virginity, had a long standing relationship and marriage that I learned tons from, long friendships. I also have been given the priveledge to do almost 9 years of music and self expression. Really cool times of going on road trips with friends, meeting new people, seeing how far I can take my creativity. Feeling a lot of things I never would've felt like what it's like to live alone. What it's like to own my own car and be driving. I never would have acknowledged that I had any leadership abilities whatsoever. In 8 years, though it may seem I'm bitter, I've put a lot of smiles on people's faces and they've put a lot of smiles on mine. Bruce even took me to my first strip clup :). Though they all seem very small, in actuallity, they are huge. It's like what is said in the first Crow movie. . "nothing is trivial". And from someone who was minutes from dying, nothing is. Sitting here typing to possibly only a choice few is a priveledge. Going out to eat one more time is a priveledge. Breathing is a priveledge.

So, how does this make it a morbid memory? If anything it's a great reminder of something one person said to me that I'll never forget. "You have such a love for life". It really made me feel good because I was stiill brainwashed by my ex-wife thinking that I was uptight and unadventurous. Just adventurous in a different way. Everyone is so quick to judge.

2004 is different. Bruce was the only person in town to truely understand me. Even if it was for just a split second. That's all that matters. We've been planning a HUGE potluck lately and didn't know what day to do it on. So, I suggested June 7th tonight and he asked why. After explaining to him the reason, he was 100% all for it. And that's just cool as shit. It's good to see someone here is still happy I'm alive. Nobody speaks it and that's the problem. I'm no more caring than what should be reminded. I constantly let Meg know that she's cool and Sissy, etc. We just need some reassurance sometimes. What's wrong with that? After all, we're human.

-Brian

4-16-04

Mood: Reflective Depression

Music: "Jail" by Down

Is it possible to almost cause the depression yourself? Sometimes I wonder if I do. There's no way these really tiny things can jolt and drag me down like they do. If that's the way it is, then I'm pretty much screwed in live. To me, I see that as weak. I can't say openly what drug me down so much today, but inquiring minds may know.

I ended up falling asleep on the floor only 3 or 4 hours after I woke up. The next two hours I dreamt of suicide after suicide. Not the suicide of myself, but it was almost like an American Pie version where they all lived together. By the end there was maybe one or two that were still alive. But nobody seemed to care. I guess that's just my natural thinking from when i was as young as 12 and thinking nobody would care in the event of an unfortunate accident.

Then there's the memories that attack us. Whether it's good or bad, it still sedates us to a point where we wish it would all fade away. The great times last summer that turned out to be likely nothing more than an illusion of someone's cruel joke. The faith I had last year because of those events that great things can still happen. Then, it's all bullshit. Does that mean that everytime something really great like that happens that I'm going to have to question it? Fuck it, I'd rather not deal with it.

Its like the song goes Sometimes it hurts so much to lose the ones you love. Especially when its been compromised and seemingly completely false. You feel like a fool and a dumbfuck for believing it in the first place. The fatal reaction? Vowing to never be so fucking stupid again even though you know its going to imprison you in a life of unhappiness. Some feelings just have to be protected I guess. Would be so nice to have a sign to move on. Kindof like holding meat right in front of the dog so it will follow you. It sounds so permanent to put up that wall and throw out relationships. But, with the right person, it can also crumble just as quickly.

To the cause of the pain: It may have damaged me severely, but Im not defeated. Im alive and making improvements, itll make me stronger in the end. I actually feel sorry for the person (if this is true) because I cant imagine how horrible it must be to be trapped inside someone that cruel.

Theres a song by Moby that describes my sad moods (and probably most others) with one simple line (and also the title). Why does my heart feel so bad?. Its an inquisitive sadness. Saying there has to be a reason for the hurt because it would be inhumane otherwise. Im just really tired of it thats all and I think a smaller amount of people understand that than understand my depression in the first place. So we are talking about a very small amount of people. I dont whine about it. The way I see it is that I wouldnt have to say so much or whine so much (here mostly) if people would just fucking listen in the first place. I mean, I do, so why the fuck cant they give me the same respect? For years and years I tried and tried. Id reach out but nobody would be looking or have the balls to take the extended hand. So indirectly, fuck em. Im not going to waste my life away trying to achieve something thats never going to happen.

Virginia Beach isnt going to change anything but a new living space. The bipolar will remain, chronic depression will remain, etc. So, to be blunt, anyone who thinks Im running from my problem can kiss my fuckin ass. They obviously dont well to consider such a stupid conclusion and its sad to think my mom came to it. But, who cares? Everyone, for the past year, has been saying Do something for you Brian. So, this is it.

Virginia Beach, to me, is a 100% brand new start. Im now divorced, single, and dont know a single soul within 200 miles. New job, new city, new people, new vibe. It might be something that strikes that breath of fresh air that I may have needed for years. I dont know why I bitch about relationships so much because its not really a good idea to get involved right now anyway. Id just end up hurting something because I wont give in to this for anything. I dont think many people would understand that.

Call it bull-headed or irresponsible, I call it following my heart. And it feels right in my heart.

-Brian

4-4-04

Mood: Sad

Music: Recoil

Why is it that things aren't what they seem? Who can we trust? Why is it so hard to be confident in a decision that brings a certain risk of danger? But, most importantly, why is it that people feel the need of attempting to destroy someone else?

I don't think many people realize how serious me moving out of state is. Some may expect me to come back after a few years. Some just see it as a change in scenery. I'm leaving it all. The pain, the hurt, the horrible memories that haunt me everyday. "This is the place where Susan and I sat and she gave me a nice long hug" or "I remember smoking up with Wendy and Waffle". . It hurts to know that after almost 25 years, I have nothing to show for it but a failed marriage, suicide attempt and many trust issues.

It's just amazing how you can end up feeling incredibly uncomfortable in your home town. I'd rather step forward and start anew then drown in it like a few people I know (no hints intended). It's just too bad nobody recognizes this as my last year and spend it more useful than running around with boyfriends all the time.

I've been single for a year and a half now and I am no nearer to finding contentment than in January of 2003. I do not regret last year, but it was one of the worst years. I was so close so many times to actually feel like I belonged. Then, as with most cases, I found out people weren't who they said they were. I don't lie, I don't fake. I don't act like I know what I'm talking about when I don't. Therefore, every part of me that is seen is real. That's what I'm always proud of. No matter the case, I don't pretend.

I'm constantly getting in trouble because my being a supervisor means I have to be this or be that. Now, in many cases that is important, but to get into trouble because of debating and sticking up for other hourly employees? It was when I realized I was in the wrong business because I was not allowed to speak my mind or stretch my creativity. Do I shut up? No, I still debate to this day. I always joked that if someone was almost beating me to death, I'd be smarting off and laughing until I pass out.

I finally pinpointed what attracts me to music. When I'm listening to Depeche Mode's "Insight" or Frontline Assembly's "Prophecy", I can close my eyes and imagine a place. It can be whatever I want it to be, what ever I"m feeling. Sometimes, I'm singing for others, sometimes I'm alone and walking away. It's a realistic fantasy. The addiction of real feeling. The addiction of taking all the poison that past experiences and society have given us, and stripping it down to the purest of self.

When I'm singing, all I'm thinking is triumph. Hearing my voice, proving I"m still alive and that I still feel. Some may feel it when writing or painting, among other things. The most fulfilling thing is that writing, singing, photography, etc has an extremely specific uniqueness to it. Nobody can draw exactly like Meg, nobody can sing exactly like me, etc. When a singer is replaced, we notice. When someone else starts writing the column, we notice. That's the beauty of individuality and diversity. Great things don't come in packages because the great things aren't packaged. None of us are.

3-4-04:

Some band news to catch up on.

Tool promise to have a new album by the end of 2004. Danny Carry has been working hard with Pigmy Love Circus as well as Maynard with A Perfect Circle. The album started getting written just before the A Perfect Circle tour began.

Onesidezero has been put on the sidelines due to label disputes. However, lead singer, Jason didn't rest as he takes part in the colaborative band ABloom. The band also features Mikey Doling (Snot, Soulfly) and Marcello Rapp (Soulfly). The album will be out by summer. Jason insists though that Onesidezero is not over.

Speaking of Soulfly, the band has almost finished their 4th album, Prophecy. Sadly, Marcello has left Soulfly and a whole new line up is in stake including former Ill Nino guitarist, Mark Rizzo, former Megadeth bassist, Dave Ellefson, and Joe Nunez, who played drums on the Primitive album. I'm not sure if I agree with this continuous line-up change, but I guess it's not my decision. Prophecy drops March 30th.

Legendary side project Nailbomb, featuring Fudge Tunnel/Theory of Ruin mainman Alex Newport and Sepultura/Soulfly frontman Max Cavalera, pulls a surprising move by reissuing their only studio album. Point Blank has been rereleased with new liner notes, bonus tracks and new artwork. The charm of Nailbomb was even though it was REALLY good, they just had fun. Vowing to only make one album and the fact they only played 3 shows, one at the dynamo in 1992, it was a rare moment where everything clicked. They kept their promise, but it is an album every metal fan should check out.

Flaw surprised metal fans with an interesting blend of crunching riffs and screams with soulfully melodic vocals and soothing drumming on their self titled debuy. They return now with a new album, title not known, which will be released May 4th. They head back in the road with Ill Nino and 40 Below Summer in a few weeks.

Damageplan finally begins it's course featuring former Pantera brothers, Vinnie Paul and Dimebag Darrel. The album titled New Found Power was actually the original band name. After listening to the sample tracks on www.damageplan.com , I concluded that you can definately tell that it's Dimebag and Vinnie. Check it out.

In case you haven't heard, Slayer lost Paul Bustoph to a wrist injury making him unable to play. The good news is, the band reunited with original legendary drummer Dave Lombardo. Lombardo played on the classic albums such as Show No Mercy, Reign In Blood, South Of Heaven, etc. The original lineup is now reunited. No official news on a new album, though I'm sure one will come shortly.

Depeche Mode hit the studio for their tenth time to embark on the follow up to 2001's Exciter. Now with Dave Gahan and Martin Gore's solo tours finished, the creative process begins again.

Not many times I truelly get almost hyper about a band. Except when I heard veteran metalers Prong were reunited and bringing the band back together. They split up after their Rude Awakening album in 1997 or so. The new album, entitled Scorpion Rising, was released February 24th. Now, this is vintage metal you guys, don't you remember "Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck"????

Prong rivalries, Helmet, have also resurfaced after many years post-departure. The band has been coasting around playing live shows in support of the best of Helmet album. No talk of another album, but I can only hope. The band achieved much underground success, and Headbangers Ball, with "Unsung", "Wilma's Rainbow" and a slot on the Crow soundtrack with "Milktoast".

3-2-04:

I haven't written in this for a very long time. There are many reasons for that but none more dominating than a lack of discussion. I've been a bit confused lately and having difficulty staying on topics. It's not so much a desire to succeed anymore, but a desire to survive. Not having much to say, there's been a silence lurking within. Many who know me really well haven't been let in on the majority of it.

Has anyone noticed the general public will do to avoid change? They call us procrastinators, but we're just normal. Granted, people might not be putting off their errands all the time. They are sometimes, however, putting off their dreams. To me, that's even worse. In my beliefs, we only get one life. Do we want to waste it working for some jackass boss who isn't going to give us a raise anyway? I'm not saying that you don't need a stable job because sometimes we just have to pull through some shit to get where we need to. A person has a dream of moving out of state. Then they realize they are a bit in debt. 1. You can forget about moving and put up with the same crap. 2. You can move anyway risking going deeply in debt. 3. You can try to make a goal and work to achieve it. You're studying in school and a friend wants you to go out. "Oh, I"ll do it later". Sound familiar?

I'm learning that people will consistantly try to talk you out of things. It's usually different people everytime. I guess all you can really do is be true and honest with yourself. Be responsible enough to ask "Is this really the best thing for me?". Jumping before thinking leads to stupid mistakes. I've done that a couple times (hehe). With careful planning and completely exploring and educating on the topic, you can do just about anything.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we're all going to be okay. If you worry too much, then don't worry about a week from now or even tomorrow. Just enjoy the moment. As long as checks are in the mail and you're trying to work (example), worrying yourself isn't going to make anything better. In fact, it makes it worse. I have been a victim of it too, so I'm no saint.

One thing I've noticed more than anything in Fargo is it's complete lack of diversity. 98.3% White. It's not just lacking racial diversity, but socially as well. The public is, no offense, generally very plain and boring. Culturally, Fargo has a big problem. It's a fun city if you know people. However, if you don't know anyone, there really isn't any outlets that one can actually express themselves. No clubs, the bars get old, too many restaurants. Oh boy I can hang out at the mall!! lol. Someone said I find Fargo boring because I lack the creativity to find something to do. In a way I agree.

Well, that ends a 3 month drought on this page. Hopefully more to come soon. lataz.

12-30-01:

12:00 AM

This is to you. Whoever may be reading. We all need that voice. The one who tells us what the point of all of this is. But, what I'm learning is that ourselves are the voices we are looking for. Look inside yourself. Deep inside yourself. Take out the good things, the parts that serve purpose and reason. The bad shit we just chuck. Inside is all the reason we seem to be looking for.

A year ago, I walked out of a bad situation. I was scared, I was confused. For years I lived with someone, for years I had a stable lifestyle. And suddenly that was taken away. For what? For freedom. You see, I was in a controlling relationship. I didn't have a say in shit. I didn't have a choice on how Christmas was going to go, or what we were going to do that night. I'm not going to sink to her level here and bash her. But when I walked away, I was facing an unknown future. I had to muster all my strength that I have ever had and push it out. I was worried about downward spirals, depression, suicide, alcohol abuse. I was just waiting for myself to go off the deep end. I look back now and most of this stuff I didn't even know. Subconsciously, I was pretty much expecting to maybe have a few years left and I was going to be dead. By staying in the relationship, I had a predictible future, I would be physically okay other than the usual sudden tragedy. I walked out knowing I could be killing myself because of pride. I couldn't hold my head up and I couldn't stop, I couldn't rest until I had my life back. Many times, my personality wanted to give in and not walk out. I'm here today because I'm standing tall. I'm here because I said fuck the rules, fuck the consequences. I knew what I had to do and couldn't stop until I got there. I'm here because I woke up.

Maybe there is no "real" me. But, all I know is that voice that I was searching for, that reason that I was desperately trying to find for years in that marriage. . . . . was right here inside. When I realized that around the summer of last year, I knew things would end. It's like tasting your favorite food. You can't get it out of your mind. And you HAVE to taste it again. One day, whatever I was doing, I got that taste. I maybe had a dream of the future, maybe a mood I was in and it just suddenly hit me. I felt that it was right. I woke up, and walked out.

I don't condone useless, stupid acts of selfishness. To others, it may have looked like I was taking everything I had worked hard for. . for years and just throwing it away. To get what we need to get done we have to believe in ourselves. For the first time in my life, I told myself "I can do this". Before I moved out, I spent hours completely alone, just sitting there thinking. What did I find? My best friend right inside. I found that reason and that voice saying "Do it. This isn't you".

Now, you need to make sure it's not a fad, and that you are going to act responsibly. Otherwise you're gonna start a fire you can't put out. It's a terribly long journey. We're all different. Maybe it's finally getting out of your parents house and striking out on your own, maybe it's making a huge commitment to someone, maybe it's starting a new life in another city, or. . . maybe it's similar to me and you are looking for a way out of a controlling relationship. Whatever the situation, you need to read the fine print. Not every time are things going to be okay. There are going to be times when you are crying wondering "Why did I ever do this" and call yourself stupid for it. That is just a natural reaction to a huge change. Change is never easy. Being yourself is never easy. But that is what we are all here for. Not to be like everyone else out there, but to be ourselves. We can learn who we are inside and we can beat whatever is dragging us down. All we need to do is to come together and support one another.

There are difficult times for anything. In my situation, I had to face her and continue to watch her go through the stages of pre-divorce. The remorse, then trying to reason with me, and finally desperation. I had also let my finances fall to the floor. These are all things I knew were going to happen. But thinking back to last December when I signed the lease at 2100, I've grown so much since then. I'm ten times as strong and many saw me as a tough motherfucker to begin with. Without pushing and fighting for everything that makes us whole, we don't gain in strength. Look out for your best interests, you deserve that. We all do. I cannot stress enough however that you NEED to be educated about it. If you are moving out on your own, get to know the area and prepare for a possible financial downfall. If you're proposing, prepare for that relationship to possibly end. We all expect these good things never end. I didn't. One day I found out my love was killed in a car accident. It's like Brandon Lee said.

"How many times will we watch a full moon rise. Perhaps 5 times. Perhaps not even that. Yet it all seems limitless"

We all need to live for today. For what we feel inside this very minute. Those things are never unreal or even unrealistic. We can accomplish just about anything by believing in ourselves. We also have to learn that we are the only ones who can do it. A friend isn't gonna have to stand in front of a judge stating why you want a divorce. We have to be individuals.

Another thing we all need and I want to express. The choice is yours. However, I believe you need to build a good, honest life. A life without continuous drinking, controlling partners, looking for a new job because you got fired, without drugs, without sleeping around. There are rules to everything. I often contradict myself because off and on I forget these rules.

I wish the best for all of you out there. Anybody who is reading this. My heart goes out to those who have extensive sadness in their hearts. Whatever your goal is,. . be smart and respectful to others and I support you. Tomorrow is always a fresh start.

12-24-03:

Tonight's topic? At least to start with, Machine Head. When it FINALLY hits the US, pick up a copy of Through The Ashes Of Empries. I'm fuckin serious, this album if fucking killer. I don't know if it's better than Burn My Eyes or The More Things Change, but it's at least equal to. Robb Flynn's vocals return to their original state (minus the rapping) and his guitars are just blistering once again. Adam does his job bringing in the low sounds as bassists usually do. Adamn Duce is also the "heart" of the band, he's actually a sweetheart from what I read. Phil Demmel (formorly of Vio-lence with Robb at one time) IS FINALLY THE GUITARIST THEY NEED. If you listen to the difference Ahrue wasn't where the band was going. Phil brings back the loud as fuck attack guitars that have been absent since Logan Mader left. And Dave McClain. . . ya know, I kinda forgot this fucker played on The More Things Change. The Burning Red and for some of Supercharger, his talent didn't show at all. But let this be known, Dave McClain is one of the best fucking metal drummers there is!!!! I shit you not you can throw him up with Danny Carey from Tool. . he's that good.

All the talent in Machine Head is shown on the new album. One reviewer put it that "Phil must've lit a fire under Machine Head's ass". I agree. "Imperium" is just blistering and is the first really good opener since "Ten Ton Hammer". "Bite The Bullet" has you beating your head against a wall in a fit of rage. Every song on this album is heavy multipied by 2 as MH likes to do often enough. I can't wait to hear these songs live. I can see that fuckin' pit right away. MH met their audience the old way, working their ass off. Some stuff has been played on the radio or MTV for some metal bands. This is one that didn't get any help at all. They continued to open up for bands all the way up til now when they are finally headlining. I've always loved MH's heavy ass titles too. "A Thousand Lies" , "Down To None", "Death Church", "Desire To Fire", "Bulldozer", "White Knuckled Blackout", etc. NICE.

Seems like a good time to introduce the Music Page I'm adding to the site. I have to make a button for it yet, but I'll add it as a link. Basically it's just drummers, guitarists I love etc. An overview of the music world in which I live in. Kinda like a listed blab page about music lol. Featured on there is Dave McClain btw. Each artist/band gets their own little description as to why I respect them, etc. I just like complimenting musicians and since there isn't a way to email or mail most bands directly, this is the next best thing.

I've been dealing with a lot of absent mindedness for some reason. I don't think it's lack of sleep because I've been sleeping, although I feel just exhausted. Maybe my immune system finally fell who knows. There I go talking out loud again. The holidays pull a lot of people down. Really, what the hell is everyone so anxious about. Settle the fuck down and enjoy your days off. Relax for a fuckin change. There's plenty of food you can cook with little or no work and as far as decorating goes, simple is best. I feel that's kinda my goal with life too. I don't see the sense in struggling through your whole lives to get everything just perfect and afford all these stupid little things. It's all bullshit. Enjoy your life, you only get one. If bad shit happens, find meaning and hope. You don't have to be happy go lucky, but you can find happiness in depression. It's just not the same as all these superficial rich (and not rich) people who go through life ignoring the problems in it. I just don't get it.

12-21-03:

I haven't written in here in awhile. Mainly because I don't really have any interesting topics going through my head lately. I haven't even written in my journal for 3 days. I only have a mildly interesting topic today.

Do you say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays? To those who share non-Christianity beliefs, it's much more appropriate to say Happy Holidays. I guess we assume far too much. I personally don't know what I do say because I never gave it much thought before. It does give an example to the way we are though. We assume too much. We assume that the person next to us is celebrating Christmas. Do we wonder if they are Jewish? or Buddist? or even Atheist? Or worse. . a Christian who doesn't have a family to spend the holiday with them. Not everyone has a happy little family. There could be some guy who hasn't spoken to his father in 10 years due to a heavy argument. I guess at the same time though we can't get too terribly mad for something to assume something of us. After all, at least they are caring to comment. However, if they just doing get the point after telling them multiple times. . . . then fuck 'em.

The biggest assumption that's been spoken of to/around me is metal music. "They can't play their instruments" - "It's all devil music" - "They're just angry kids who are mad at their parents" - "They have no morals". . . any sound familiar?

The truth is that many aspects of metal is some of the most difficult to play. Metal guitar is beaten by only Blues in difficulty. It's not always about speed but if you listen to a lot of metal riffs, they are complicated and not always based on the "Verse Chorus Verse" and 3 chord format. I've attempted to write some heavier material for the Tweak project and still haven't even come up with a song. Not easy by far.

Metal percussion is (in my opinion) the most difficult there is. With the maximum use of toms and cymbals it certainly isn't simplified with the addition of the double-bass pedal.

"He just screams. There's not even a note in what he's singing. No talent at all". Okay, this is the biggest one. Do you realize that if you went up there and "screamed" for 45 minutes a night/4-5 nights a week that you wouldn't be able to say a single word by the end of the week? Not only that, but you would literally shred and permanently damage your vocal chords? Every metal vocalist has either had professional voice training or experimented on their own with advice from likewise vocalists. I attempted this at the beginning of January of 2003 and killed my throat. With the help from Carter Evanson of Fargo's SONS OF POSEIDON, I was able to conquer it successfully. After NINE months of training. The talent is there as singing the "growls", etc. takes twice the physical effort, twice the oxygen. In fact, a good 90 % of metal vocalists (as well as most of other genres as well) don't even smoke because it kills their throat.

The music is also completely misunderstood. While many rock vocalists encourage the destruction at Woodstock 2000 (Fred Durst), the lyrics and content of most (not all) is completely positive. Fear Factory's them, though brutal, is completely based on the idea of the Terminator movies: man vs. machine. Most songs actually feel like we are getting stronger ourselves to dealing with everyday life. The listener interprets what they do. You cannot blame an artist for any actions or thoughts the listener has. Biohazard is strongly against any unjustified violence. They've stopped shows (along with Deftones, Machine Head, among others) due to violence in the audience.

Speaking of audiences. The concerts are (in my opinion again) completely misunderstood. It's not a place where people go to get in a fight or hit people, etc. In fact, at least in Fargo, metal concerts have become more of a "family" event. I see many of the same people at them and it seems people know many others. Kindof like a convention :). It's difficult to describe these things as I don't like stereotypes. Everyone is different. Then again that seems to be the common bond. We're all different, yet we all have our own pain. It's a release of negative energy in a positive, controlled enviroment. A place where it's accepted and sometimes encourage to go apeshit. If someone falls to the floor while moshing there's at least 7 hands reaching down to pull the person up.

We're ourselves. Yes, we have pain. Many people though release that negative energy by looking for a fight in a bar or some shit like that. Not always a good thing. So why the stereotypes with metal??? Another genre with a very unique purpose: To express pain freely and openly.

Whether you're into metal, jazz, blues, country. . . as long as you express yourself honestly and true to your heart, you can't go wrong. After all, the point of music is freedom of expression, to have your own individual voice.

12-12-03:

I keep writing in here about music. Maybe it's because I'm trying to decide where my place is in it. In the past I've gotten a lot of shit for liking some bands like Duran Duran, Depeche Mode, Erasure, Pet Shop Boys, New Order, etc. Most of you would say "fuck what they think" and that's true however I would also rather defend the bands a little bit. It's unfair to lump those bands into the likes of the 80's cliches who overstayed their due. These bands are remaining today because of untapped love of music and dedication to not only make music but to go against what everyone else was doing and evolve their sound with each album. Depeche Mode never sounded the same for two albums and New Order took a break when they felt their creativity was running stail. They are also all dark bands, especially Depeche Mode and most of New Order's stuff.

New Order formed from the ashes of Joy Division after lead singer Ian Curtis's suicide in 1980. Their career spanning almost 30 years when you include the years of Joy Division from 1977-1980. Their span of albums started from the Joy Division-ish goth to increasingly more electronic. Though New Order spawned club hits "Blue Monday", "Bizzarre Love Triangle", and "True Faith", their best tracks are the obscure ones that lay on the albums.

Of the Low Life album there lays an instrumental track, "Elegia", that not only is dark and depressing but sad enough to make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. Hardly an 80's band, they saw where the new synthesizer technology gave them a chance to be pioneers. Like Depeche Mode, they didn't choose to form a typical pop outfit. Years later New Order release Get Ready which was their first album in 7 years. Personally I think the 7 year break preserved the band from being another lost band who didn't know when to quit. Had they gone on when they went on a break, they could've made some of the worst music of their careers. Instead, they take a deep breath and Get Ready comes off as the best album of their career. The 6 minute epic "Crystal" ends with melodies that are so inspiring I keep thinking about covering the damn song.

Depeche Mode began in 1980 and persued a very dark sound even though they started as typical products of pop culture. Martin Gore's experimental and ultimately unique songs have pushed down bounderies and inspired many artists along the way. Though Dave Gahan's drug addictions (along with Martin Gore's alcohol abuse) nearly cost them not only the band but their lives, they stand as a band that will stand tall through all the stress of the industry. Depeche Mode is now 24 years old and their last album "Exciter" was the most successful DM album since the 2 million selling 1990 album "Violator". Embarking on a full fledged tour they played in more than 19 countries and spent a nice 13 months on the road. Today both Gahan and Gore have released solo albums showing that they're not afraid to branch out and have voices of their own.

Former Depeche Mode founder Vince Clarke met up with Englishman Andy Bell (who was also a trained choir boy for many years) to form Erasure. Their material is considerably more "popish" than the likes of the other two but also hold their own uniqueness that is yet untapped. Bell's soring almost alto pitched voice adds quite an effect. I'm not too much a fan of Erasure's earlier works but "The Circus", "Sexuality", and "Ship Of Fools" are simply amazing songs. They also have very original themes. . The Circus talking about general working class people's lives being one battle after the next, etc. Erasure still continue to day I about 20 years after their conception following Clarke's split with Alison Moyet (were known as Yazoo (Yaz in the US)).

Never a fan of disco, how did I get into Pet Shop Boys? "Opportunities" hooked me just with it's pounding feel even though it was 100% electronic. I continued to pick up a couple more albums and just really loved their use of chords and sequencers. Made up of only Chris Lowe and vocalist Neil Tennant, their stage show is anything but groundbreaking. But let the music tell the story. Very simple lyrics, danceable beats, to a very meloncholy melody. They even took Elvis Presley's "Always On My Mind" and turned it into a #1 danceclub track (which sounds really really good i might add). 17 years after they began with "West End Girls", PSB have taken on a bit more relaxed mature sound. The Nightlife album took boldness with the track "In Denial" which featured Kylie Minogue and was about a daughter finding out her dad is gay. Very original, sad and honest. Yes, Neil Tennant is gay, but who the hell cares?? They make great music and that's all that matters. Though I must admit that I don't like a good 20% of this band as it's a bit too discoish.

I never fully got into Duran Duran and I'm not sure why. Maybe because they got all this hype in the teen media in the 80's. That personally could've killed any credibility had they not been able to write music. Many of DD's songs are rock/electronic based which was unusual at the time because everyone was either embracing the synthesizer or running out and buying spandex and learning how to jump while playing a guitar. "the Chauffer" , "Ordinary World", "Girls On Film" , "Come Undone", they had some really fuckin' excellent songs.

Now, what does all of this mean? Well many of the bands today that are popular or were recently have been influenced by these bands. The shock? Most of them are metal bands. Deftones covered DD's "The Chauffer" and Depeche Mode's "To Have And To Hold" for tribute albums towards those artists. German metalers Rammstein covered DM's "Stripped". Other DM songs have been covered from such a wide variety of artists it's interesting what a metal band can have in common with Tori Amos. Smashing Pumpkings, Chevelle, Tori Amos, Johnny Cash, Failure, Veruca Salt, God Lives Underwater, Monster Magnet, In Flames, Moonspell, Guys Against Girls, etc. etc. have all covered Depeche Mode. Orgy covered "Blue Monday" of course along with many other's covering the band and even Joy Division's material. Trent Reznor showed up on The Crow soundtrack with his take on the Joy Division song "Dead Souls" while Bush showed up on the second Crow soundtrack with their version of Joy Division's "In A Lonely Place". These "pussy" bands have influenced more bands than you would come to expect. Many of those bands are very successful today and some have even got to tour with their inspirations. In other words, you can't knock the old bands that have lasted longer than some of us have been alive and call them untalented. Without the Beatles, you wouldn't have Pearl Jam. The interesting question is this. . . who are the most influential bands right now?? Tough one isn't it?

12-5-03:

Musicians. There's too types. Real and fake. Awhile ago I saw the new Napster. Yeah, it's up and running. Of course you have to buy everything. I now saw Kazaa Gold. Same fuckin' thing you have to buy the program for $30. Does downloading free music fuck over the musicians? NO. In very small cases people will download whole albums. 80% of the US has dial up. Downloading an entire album with 56K is just simply a waste of time. You'll spend days doing it. By people downloading 2-3 songs by a band, there are more chances of them going out and buying the album than there is of them downloading the rest of it.

It is simply the record companies. This basically doesn't have a whole lot to do with the bands themselves. REAL bands make the majority of their money on the road, touring. You think if 2,000 people bought a $30 ticket. They bring in $60,000 just on ticket sales alone. Yes, you have the cost of the building, plus other things. But I'm sure after all the initial costs each band member walks out with at least $2,000.

I'm so fucking tired of hearing about record companies and record executives running everything. They are the greediest bunch of cocksuckers I've ever heard of. I'm serious, there isn't an industry that is more about $$$$$$$$ than the record companies. Hell, they even got Bill fucking Gates beat on greediness here. Trent Reznor had such larg amounts of trouble while with TVT that he went to court to get out of it and recorded "Broken" in complete secrecy so TVT wouldn't find out about it. He stated "my label or no label" after that. It's becoming the norm to start your own label just to release your own shit. Reznor, Korn, Offspring, Mike Patton, Andrew Fletcher, etc. all own their own labels. The number is still increasing too. Arista has lost HUGE amounts of money because nobody will sign with them.

Yes, artists are concerned about free music. But it's the fake motherfuckers. The ones who fail to realize the reality: they aren't shit without their fans. An unheard musician is useless except to himself. So, you take all the Britney Spears, Metallicas, Mandy Moores, (and what other god-awful pop is out there) and ask them. . DUH YOU"RE GONNA GET THE SAME ANSWER. Britney is more fuckin' concerned with her mansion than the rest of the fuckin' world.

I saw a picture of Pantera's Dimebag's house. An almost 20 year musician pushing Pantera up on a commercial level since 1990. So, that's 13 years worth of commercial record sales on EastWest. I didn't see a mansion. I saw a small 3-level home with a nice big yard and that was it. It's good to know that there are still musicians out there that get the point. Reznor was asked about the bootleg sales of NIN shows and how he wasn't seeing any cash. He said "I'm more concerned with the fans getting cheated because most bootlegs sound horrible". So there ya have it. You gonna hear that from some pop bitch that doesn't even write her own material or play an instrument? NO. Thing that I find funny is that same pop bitch will sell a million records and buy a big huge mansion, 3 very expensive cars, etc. etc. etc. Next thing you know, nobody buys her album and she files for bankruptsy. Use your fuckin' head.

In my case, I think I'd go no higher than an independant label. Paradise Lost has survived over 12 years on indie label. Depeche Mode, 24 years old, is still on the same indie label they begun on. Ministry, 23 years old, is still moving around with indie labels since they started with WaxTrax in 1982. Most indie labels are run by part time musicians instead of some corporate fuck that went to school in marketing and thinks he knows what the public wants to hear. Let the public decide.

You never, ever, ever, ever backstab your own fans. Word of mouth moves too fast and before you know it, you're dead in the water.

11-23-03:

Recently, with help from a friend, I've started to think about who I am now and who I was and of course, who I hope to be. Everyday when we wake up there is something different. It's wierd when you think about how much your life has changed in a year or so, it's just amazing. You start asking yourself interesting questions as to what is possibly holding you back or what you can do better. I don't think many people actually think about it, but you know me, let's analyze it all.

I'm starting to wonder if I really do overanalyze and just basically make things bigger than they need to be. Not only does it add extra stress onto me, but it's gotta be frickin' annoying to those around me. In some cases, to those who don't know me so well, it makes me look like I"m hung up on myself. Of course that's just funny. I took a self esteem test tonight and granted those tests are sometimes bullshit, out of 100 (one hundred being) high. . . 75 is serious lacking and 50 and below is "crippling". . I got a 39!!! I was even floored. I'm sure it's off of course, but that's about where I think mine is though. Sometimes we just gotta fight as much as we can cuz I'm tired of being cheated of things I could've had if I only stood up for myself. Maybe you've had an experience like that too.

I just love people :). It'll always come down to just that. Good, deep conversation with someone I'm comfortable with and I'm happy as hell. The fresh start begins now. For you, maybe there's some habit you want to kick. I'm trying to quit smoking with a goal of quitting by christmas. At the current rate I may get it, but I couldn't really get this far this easily until I was ready to do it for me and not someone else. You can't MAKE someone happy, you can only help them. You can't MAKE someone quit smoking, you can only support them.

Honestly though, what am I even talking about. I was going to go to sleep but my brain just started going and I have to get it out of my head before I can sleep anyway. But since I'm actually "blabbing" I better go. But I just want to say thanks to anyone who gave me a chance to be the person I want to be. It's not easy for me to be myself as open as I'm attempting, but it all takes a little work. Time for Brian to just CHILL DUDE!!! lol. Stress sucks!!

11-15-03:

I don't let people read my journal. It's just most people wouldn't understand the thoughts and may see things differently because of that. Like thing I thought something when my intentions were different. This is something though that I thought was really interesting. So, here's the exclusive lol. Fresh from my journal:

"11-12-03 3:20 AM

Hell. What is hell? We strive to succeed and often fail. We wake up and just lay in bed wondering what the purpose is of placing our feet on the floor. Staring at the ceiling, I think back and remind myself of tragedy. We love and often lose. It's a basic of life. Moving on after finding the one you truely love and know that you were great together is hard enough. Losing that person to a sudden death completely kills everything inside you. For months I sat silent and not often opening up and saying what I felt. Because of this I'd be surprised if even one person could comprehend the amount of pain I was in. Yeah, someone died and dealing with the death of someone close is always hard. But I instantly knew it was far greater than that. I lost the one. She was probably the one. The way we talked responcibly about future plans/situations. The way she told me how she'd softly run her fingers up my back, caressing and loving every part of me. . in body and in mind.

What is close? Yes, Sara and I quite possibly have been a disaster. We nevr met. But believe. I believe we would've just been almost a perfect fit. I don't feel that the fact we never met downplays anything. When you are meeting someone in person, you may exchange a light conversation and then begin to bullshit with them about everyday life. What I was taught was that it's not everyday life that makes a soulmate or true meaning in life. Making that girl feel like she's the only one on the planet and watching her softly smile is just a happy trip. Who needs drugs or alcohol when you've got that? Who needs a good paying job and a nice house in the suberbs when you got that? Offering your home to help someone whose known you for years and is need. It's things like that, I feel are real. You feel it in your heart and you know it has great meaning.

We never met. Though we talked about every single aspect of each other's lives for often 8-9 hours on end. I lived with someone for 6 years and really did not know her. She turned out to be the opposite of what I was looking for. So, where does it play in that you HAVE to be around someone physically in order to know them?

Responcibility. We all have it and should not ignore it, . . actually embrace it. Matt died in a tragic accident that probably involved alcohol. I hurt inside because I couldn't blame him while I also felt overly relieved that there wasn't anyone else injured. Especially innocent people because that's really the worst. Close your eyes and picture a parent or partner. Think about what it would feel like to get a phone call saying that their goals, dreams, memories and lives were gone because someone was irresponcible and selfishly got behind the weel. We all have a chance to prevent someone else's pain. Even if it's just one person it's well worth it. I work in an establishment where this happens far too often and am trying to keep people reminded of it's dangerousness. A few people scoffed at me for joining MADD. I'm very proud of it and will continue to enjoy the feeling that I've done something right.

Conflict. It's very rarely a good idea to seek vengeance. That person will only come back stronger. I'm happy that most don't think I've just sat there and took it since January. The whole time I was keeping myself calm because I wasn't going to sink to her level. Even though I'm the victim of the harassment, I looked even better by not striking back other than legal action. Those who know me know that it's how I am and was not faked. Violence only destroys. . and people enjoy it?? Picking a fight with some innocent guy at a bar whose minding his own business is no better than a parent that hits their child. They are both senseless crimes that only serve a destructive purpose4. I'm not afraid of being physically harmed. I've had my blood spread and pain felt in the past. In one case I ended up respected for not striking back as I know I had done wrong. It takes a bigger man (or woman) to admit fault and face the consequences than it does to raise his fists and win a fight.

We just have to take care of each other. After all, what else wil? If you help out someone in a time of need, they don't forget. If they are decent, they'll return the favor if you get in a mess. If they don't, then you found a not-so-true friend. I don't feel I have to explain myself and I'm definately not saying that I love, or even like, everyone. There's always going to be assholes. In that case, I prefur to fight back by showing that person they can't destroy me. Only life can.

These past 2 months have been destructive to me and I've seen myself fall back to the severly suicidal point for the first time in 7 years. I'm very relieved to know that the pushing and fighting were worth it as I'm slowly starting to step out of an exceptionally dark era. I don't know one singer person that's had it easy this year though. 2003 has been rough for most and pure hell for the rest. But everyone I know is fighting and not giving up and I'm proud of each one. This is what life is about: Love, pride, dedication, responcibility, heart, strength and those special moments in between. "We will survive" Brian 4:30 AM"

11-07-03:

Friends. One of the most valuable things in adult life because without friends we're just alone. I'm taking space from some while exploring with others. I was able to be there for one last night and ya know what? that's what life is about. I don't know if you've ever had a serious problem and someone talked to you one on one, very calmly or maybe you were the one that helped them, but all in all it's the best feeling. You know you put yourself second and that other person wasn't alone. Both end up feeling better and friendships grow. I've been on both sides of that.

Trust is an amazingly understated emotion and when I'm not really trusting to many people at all, I think it's best to take space instead of continueing for suspicions. Does it mean the person has done wrong? No, but you'd find out if they had by this method. Not only that, it saves on fights and all that and gives a person time to figure themselves out. We all need space one time or another.
I guess the point of this letter is. . when someone has a serious problem and you're able to help them, that's the point of life. Sometimes we have too much stress in our lives to not be able to and/or we don't know how to communicate that with the other person. I'm really just blabbing now so I'm gonna cut it short. Relaxing and smiling some for the first time in awhile. Take care of yourselves. . and COLDS SUCK

11-02-03:

A lot of people seem to think I talk about myself too much. Even I'm a believer on that one, but I just want to say that I completely live to better others. I won't sacrafice myself completely, but I will give more than my all when I feel the situation and person calls for it. A friend recently helped show that some (be it a very few) have faith in me even though I'm not as strong as I used to be. I tend to not talk about things because I don't want people to worry and has been especially true lately. To me, the meaning of life is others. Not just anyone, the ones that matter. Making a friend laugh even though their depressed as hell or just being there to listen. I've been the giver and reciever of it many times and it's a great feeling. When we die, this is what matters. The $400 car sound system doesn't mean anything, but that person you spent time with and had fun. . that's where it matters and that's what people remember.

It's all about balence. Too many people are wrapped up in their own lives and beating the crap out of people that fucked them over. No, you shouldn't be passive about it but smashing some dude's face into the pavement isn't going to solve anything either. Think of your self, but also about others. There are certain ways to say things to certain people. There can be bad times to say things as well. We shouldn't tiptoe around, but it wouldn't hurt to be considerate of other people's feelings. Let the person know they pissed you off and let them deal with it. That way you're not taking shots at them and making yourself look stupid. Then they win anyway, reguardless of the outcome.

Another important thing to remember is a person depressed is a person you can't cure. They're going to feel worse than you because they are going through it, so don't be surprised if you find yourself in the middle of a competition even though that's wrong. The recent conflict I had wasn't over someone not caring, but they just weren't considerate of my feelings. I never wish ill will on anyone as not to many things could bring on that feeling. I wish this person the best in life if things don't resolve and won't regret anything.

Go for your dreams and your goals. I personally don't care too much about money. . as long as I can pay my bills and maybe go on a trip here and there I'm happy. The material things I do care about have more to do with emotions than the actual material of it.

I just want some people to learn to be better people. We can't be perfect as it doesn't exist and even if it did I'm far from it, but there's no shame in admitting fault or letting another know they hurt you. My ex wife once told me that pride will get me nowhere and I strongly disagree as pride has gotten me everywhere. Without pride I never would've stopped cutting myself and without pride I never would've been able to walk out the door in January knowing it was the best for me.

Another thing . . SCUM. my new word for upper management, just had to say it.

10-27-03:

My values are not like most people's I know. This issue though is EVERYONE'S responcibility and not just another annoying issue (like religious people coming to your door). It's quite simple though. DON'T FUCKING DRINK AND DRIVE!!! How tough is it to just form a plan where you don't have to drive?? And the difference is HUGE. Matt Brown, Shelly MN, was driving home about 5 a.m. on 10-26-03 when he hit a telephone pole. Only half a mile from home. Was he a big "don't drink and drive" advocate? Honestly, I never asked him. This is the point though: I'm sure he would be now. Think of it as yourself, your son or mother or girlfriend/wife. I'm sure you'd curse the world if anything happened to them. Imagine someone else going through that pain and knowing you could've done something to let it not happen. We can't change the world, but we can alter it. We can change the events so (for you) one more person lives (for all MANY more live). It's just stupid why this is even a problem really. I've gotten shitfaced and had myself a good time, but HAVE NEVER EVER DRIVEN DRUNK and probably never will. If I do (if nothing happens) I'll be pissed at myself more than anyone.

We've probably all lost someone and death isn't usually something we can control. This type is. We'll never be able to stop it from ever happening, but we can decrease how frequent it happens. 17,000 people are killed a year this way. All they had to do was think!! I know this type of talk usually annoys me, and if it annoys you so what. The difference is undeniable and if you're still not reading. . you're quite selfish cuz this isn't about you. You are still reading though so pat yourself on the back. Just don't forget it. Especially with Halloween coming up, I'm thinking twice on even going out honestly. Not that I'm afraid I'll get killed, but Matt's death has all but made me swear off alcohol for good (not that I drank that much anyway). Just stay overnight somewhere or take a cab. Luckily, Matt didn't kill anyone else, but he was also a victim of his own mind. Think of that instead of just being impulsive. For you, the decision takes minutes. . . . the result lasts forever.

10-26-03:

"Former MACHINE HEAD/SOULFLY guitarist Logan Mader has solidified the lineup of his new band, NEW BLACK."

Logan, Logan, Logan. First off, this original guitarist from Machine Head (through 2 HEAVY albums: Burn My Eyes and The More Things Change. . , he left his former schoolmates/bandmates stating "It was a stepping stone". Robb Flynn of MH was beyond insulted while Adam Duce (Bass) was hurt to know his longtime friend would make such a cold move and not even sympathizing with the band whatsoever. So then he joins Soulfly. I was disappointed in Max Cavalera (Soulfly - formerly of Sepultura) as I thought he had better taste. I wasn't disappointed for long though cuz it only took Max 3 months to get sick of Logan's shit. I laughed my ass off when I got that news. Then Logan forms Medicine with former Life Of Agony vocalist Whitfield Crane. Not the best album I've heard that's for sure!!! I'm surprised I haven't sold it yet actually. I didn't even know Medicine was over until now. NOW, he'd making another attempt??? I don't even know if I'm interested anymore. He's a user, but unfortunately he can play some mean motherfucking guitar which is why I guess I give him so many chances. It's certainly not because of his personality! I will give him credit though and will be honest that I'd love to hear that mean guitar once more. This is the last straw however, do it or just apply at the gas station down the street.

Speaking of Machine Head guitarists, Ahrue Luster (who left MH after recording The Burning Red and Supercharger) has joined up with ill Nino. I had to go grab my Confessions CD and sure enough there he is. Interesting though how he wanted to do lighter stuff, yet he joins ill Nino. Contradictary don't you think?

Superfix is finally slowly getting set up. The link is updated for the band (on the link page duh). Superfix was formed by ex-Drain STH members Martina Axen and Anna K. One thing I was very disappointed though is that Anna K. left Superfix already to form a new band. I was looking forward to hearing the Drain duo again, but I guess things change. But, why put 3 and a half years into something and then leave it right before it begins?? I'll respect the decision anyway. They have added audio to the page. Also includes two ex-Sinnistar members.

New Found Power (formed by ex-Pantera Dime and Vinnie) has been officially renamed as DamagePlan. CD comes out in January and enough people bitching about Phil and Superjoint Ritual. He was man about it and played it like it is, damn.

Fear Factory have a song coming out on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre soundtrack titled "Archetype". The first song since they "broke up" and 2001's Digimortal. A new album is in the writing and Christian is now on guitars. hehehe, can't believe they ditched Dino like that. That's gotta be the sickest scam I've ever heard. . I LOVE IT!! Wish the guy luck, but he doesn't deserve to be part of Fear Factory anymore.

Opeth have a live DVD titled Lamentations: Live at Shepards Bush Empire. The almost 3 hour DVD will be out November 27th on Music For Nations. Part of the 3 hour DVD is a 65 minute documentary. Nobody's done a documentary for awhile, about time someone took note that it's fun and informative.

Soulfly are now recording the follow up to "3" which is due out early 2004. One thing I'm VERY disappointed in though is that it's almost a whole new band? I thought the lineup for "3" was the one to stick with, I guess not. Still hoping for the best even though it's a big let down. Nonetheless, Max is still the shit.

10-25-03:

Music can be so comforting. Sitting here late at night, listening to Paradise Lost. There are many bands I think don't get enough credit. Paradise Lost is actually at the top of that list. It's difficult to get their last four albums in the States due to record company carriers. Amazon.com is a good way to buy/hear some of this band.

Starting out as a death metal band, this band went softer. Often scolded for being "sellouts", they simply say that things change. In their case it was definately for the better. Not selling out, but going with their hearts. Decradican Times started the "movement" from death metal to something very new."Hallowed Land" starts with a melodic bleeding guitar riff. 4 albums after that PL release Symbol Of Life. This album, though I've loved their earlier albums, is their best by far. The bands I love the most are the ones who get better and better with time. I really don't have a favorite off the album though. Taking the melodic metal and Dave Gahan'esque vocals into a much darker atmosphere. They're not going to blow your head off or make you pound your head against the wall. If you close your eyes and let their heavy yet melodic riffs fill you, you'll go into a trance. Songs flowing more like Depeche Mode and less like the typical metal format. Are they "metal"? Who really cares?

Mixing synth, with heavy riffs, clear vocals, and strong base lines. it's a very unique sound. Probably my third favorite band. . just under Machine Head and Depeche Mode. Amazing that Nick Holmes actually sounded like Max Cavalera at one point. "He can't even sing". . well, hear the fucker now. . one of the best vocalists out there. But, I can't "label" their sound. Their like Tool, Depeche, Frontline Assembly, etc. when it comes to that.

"when the dreams have been and gone

and the torment has begun

my emotions run

can't get by with what i've got

always dwell on what i've lost

just a loaded gun, a symbol of my life"

-"Symbol Of Life"

10-24-03:

The anniversary is today.

"Something inside me has died as well

Feeling tired and terribly ashamed

She wouldn't have wanted this

I've let her down"

10-21-03

I really don't have too much to write about. However, an interesting topic arose this past week with me. You may find it interesting or you may stop reading within a few lines. Friends. What do they mean to you, and what do they mean to your friends? I think the best friendships are the ones that are mutually respected. This includes thinking about saying things that may be hurtful to the person (NOT holding back though). I personally, try to keep in mind what the other person things while talking with them. I still think I talk to much and when someone finally tells me that, I'll learn and won't be mad. It's about time someone admitted it!! Okay, seriously though I think a lot of us are on one end of the scale. Either we're the people who respect, or the people who are disrespecting. I rarely take "shots" at people, I feel it's rude, I try to bring the issue to the table. Sometimes I'll say something to the person, other times I think they should already know. All the times though I think about it. I also noticed I'm not the best with it either. However, there is a limit. For every person we know there are at least a few things that we know we shouldn't say. My boss, I learned that making fun of him while he's training REALLY pisses him off. I learned.

I saw my psychiatrist today and for the first time, controlled my medications. I think a lot of physicians, etc. get a little too "pill happy" nowadays. Thankfully, she was different. It also felt really good to tell them what I want in my body and what I do not. Especially since it was anti-depressants, I (and maybe others as well) tend to forget that I'm the one controlling it. I knew the side effects were more than I could take, so buh bye.

10-14-03:

For some odd, strange, fucked up reason people say I'm easy to talk to. Hmmm. Maybe because I actually give a shit enough to listen to the damn person and think about it. Okay, seriously though. Not enough people in the world read between the lines when communicating with someone. It's wierd. Some say I "help" them and tell me I'm really strong. I agree though, not in an egotistical way cuz I still suck. We can all be that strong though and some are. There's at least 4 people right off the top of my head that are REALLY strong people, some I don't know too well but enough. All I do is go full speed ahead with all barrels blowing. I said I wasn't going to attempt suicide again, almost died of the last one in '96. Yeah, I still get suicidal cuz once you severely do, it never goes away, but it's how you deal with it. I just kick those thoughts out and no matter what, I don't give up. Even if it looks like I have. We can all do it if we find that one important thing in ourselves. A friend of mine is in search of that right now and when she does, She'll feel a hell of a lot fuckin' better because it gives you a lot of confidence to do the really tough things. I put up with shit and look like a pushover, but usually that means I'm planning a secret attack hehe. You gotta take some shit in life, it's unavoidable. Take work for instance, corporate fuckin' sucks. They use me because they want money. So, I just use them back to pay my bills. . . so I made a damn sundae that raised our food cost a few points, SO WHAT?! It made someone happy didn't it? They're just stupid, and the funny thing is they forget one simple concept: You have to spend money, to get it. Okay, you ever hear of "advertising"?? And I'm the idiot apparently. It means nothing to them that I've busted my balls for 6 years. But I've gotten a lot in return (no thanks to them). When I was promoted to supervisor, I learned that I had leadership skills which aided in me getting a divorce later on. So, they suck, but it's the things we learn. However, if you hate it, you're still there. Me? I'm not quite to that point in my life where I'll launch ahead. It's my fault, I take responcibility for doing a job I can't stand most of the time. THink like them though: You see, even though I'm a supervisor, I'm just another punk kid to them. I don't know anything because of how I look.

That brings me to another point. My shrink said that I don't dress like my personality. She said I was a very deep person and very loving. DUH!! I've always been against doing what "should" be done when it comes to this. She thinks I could dress differently and it may attract more compatible females. Okay, back up now. I'm dead set against changing who I am for any reason other than my own will. I look like a punk ass pot head with a brain the size of a pea. Well, it's their fault for judging too soon. I don't really wanna be around anyone who judges that fast. Do I see Tony because of how he looks? Nope. I feel that our looks are our biggest expression. Sara died and I couldn't stand looking at myself the same anymore. I was a different person then and I've reached a new phase. So, I went with a wierd hair cut, but I miss my long hair and pretty soon I'll be going bald so there goes the long hair idea. Gotta get it while I can. Yeah, I where clothes that are probably 30 times too big for me, but I've put on stuff that actually fit me and it was uncomfortable as hell. That's just the way I am. If you like tight clothing or red clothing or have a mohawk 10 feet high or just a "computer geek" haircut, or don't like wearing dresses. . who cares? The important part is who we are inside. Some express that through their looks, but that's also their interpretation of themselves. We aren't going to see it the same and we have to respect that. I tend to project myself (in my mind) as an artistic, laid back and openminded person. If someone sees me as a freak, sweet it's pretty damn cool to be a freak. Like Maynard from Tool said though: "We are not sheep".

Ummm. . like that's it or something. Lataz.

10-10-03

What's up? Machine Head have been working on the album "From The Ashes Of Empires". I gotta tell ya I'm lookin' forward to this one damnit. They got Phil Demel (from Vio-lence with Robb years ago) back to take Luster's place and I'm just waiting for that fuckin duo again. Didn't know much of the Vio-lence stuff, but it's gotta be good. MH has left Roadrunner (US) however it looks as if it will be released in the US from Roadrunner Europe. Hopefully anyway. If this is true the album comes out October 27th, and I'll be lookin for that motherfucker. Just like every other Machine Head album. I downloaded an umixed version of "Left Unfinished" from the website. Just go into news (front page) and scroll down, you'll see it. http://machinehead1.com There's the link for it. My opinion of the song is returning to the heavy guitars of the earlier days but with the melodic chorus of later works. I don't know, I almost stopped liking this band with "The Burning Red". I still give the album a bad rep, but I'm glad I held on. This band is way too fuckin good to miss out on. So download the song and shut the fuck up. (stupid laugh)

Other albums that are coming out or have come out (that I know of). . . Nothingface's "Skeletons" (heavy heavy heavy), Sepultura's "Roorback", Spineshank's "Self Destructive Pattern", Type O Negative's "Life is Killing Me", ill Nino's "Confession". There's also a "Best of Brujeria" CD comin out. What is Brujeria? Nobody talks about it :). The story goes is that the band are all mass murders. It's actually unnamed, various members of Fear Factory, Sepultura, and many other bands. Some might be death metal like Cannibal Corpse and all that shit. They change members with every album, and they never tell who's actually on it. Mind games, gotta love 'em.

Speaking of mind games, and I usually don't blast people. But Dez Fafara of Coal Chamber. What the fuck happened? The members leave Dez and he hires a new band and still wants to call it Coal Chamber?? Ya know I always liked the guy too, just sad really. I guess eventually he went with Devil Drive for the band name or something like that. There was a letter from Morgan Rose of Sevendust on their website about how Dez treated Rayna (CC bassist, mother and wife of Rose). Man was he pissed. Just totally blasted Dez for treating Rayna like shit while she was still pregnant and basically let everyone know that "Coal Chamber" was no more because the band members couldn't stand Dez. It's all heresay really. Anything could've gone on. The only new song on "Giving The Devil His Due" is "Headstones And The Walking Dead". Here's the interesting part though. It was recorded before their debut album was done and vocals were never done. From one person I heard that the former CC members didn't even know Dez added vocals. It's like Max Cavalera leaving Sepultura and Logan Mader leaving Machine Head, nobody will really know what happened. The only thing I know for sure is Coal Chamber is done. Meegs's new band is Pinata, if you're curious.

That's my story and I"m sticking to it. Lataz.