"Pushed"

9-13-03

I rid myself of your judging,

your advice, second guessing,

Talking behind my back and

Never letting me up to breath

Im not perfect in the least bit

But its never good enough

I clench my fists trying to

Break through the walls from you

The veins burn with my blood

Never understanding who I am

Though Ive tried my best to please you

I fucking hate this shit

You feel uncomfortable when

I tell you I hate my life and

I want to stand up and fight

And you call me selfish

But I guess you dont know

A damn thing about me

Refusal to stand behind me

And stop fucking second guessing

When my life fell apart where were you

I ban my future grave from you

Ive lost my control of anger

Been pushed beyond my extreme

Turning violent and unforgiving

Paranoid and unrelenting

Look in the mirror next time

And see how I feel each day

Wake up like I do and

Know why I hate each day

Never been me so you cant judge

Im not an asshole I swear it

Done everything for you

But when I falter I notice

How theres fucking no one for me

Well I guess youre all too busy

I isolate and you scold me for it

Well thats just fucking fine

"Entity"

-9-11-03

Years and years have gone by now

Looking back remembering the pain

Finally knowing that things change

We shouldn't all perish living that pain

Feeling now more like a free spirit

Worrying about the important things

Not the subtle problems in life

Trying to enjoy the rest of these years

With a sense of calmness and contentment

Many days now lost and gone

But the rest of this life continues now

Everyday from here could be a gift

The pain seemingly drifting away

Fun, something that's never been tried

Life, something that's never been valued

Love, something that's never been felt

Peace, something that's never been held

This is my true entity

My soul stripped bare

Without the influencing

Deep within I found the cure

This is not my tragedy

My apparent victory

Smiling for the first time

The stomach pain fading away.

"Another World"

(9-27-03)

I close my eyes and smile

Once again in your arms

Your hands brushing over my eyes

Your body rocking me to sleep

I feel your hair on my bare back

I reach back taking you in my arms

We laugh as I pull you to face me

Your eyes brighten with your smile

I lean forward kissing you gently

My heart melts with yours now

Creating a bond that holds strong

I hold you so close to me, gently

Then my eyes snap open

I realize that you're gone

My heart stings again

My hopes turn to dust

How can I go on sweetie

When I hurt so deep inside

Leaving my heart tormented

The world lost such a lovely soul

I lay back down in bed

Wishing I could still cry

At least then I felt you

It's better than the numb inside.

"Deadened"

9-2-03

Feeling bewildered, feeling on my own

Lost in this sea of darkness I fall

Took a stand to be who I really am

Now seeing it pushes people away

Feeling useless and invisible

Questioning if things will improve

Tried to make things better

And seemingly made things worse

The constant nightly silence is deafening

Does it seem that this much has been lost

Maybe for most my welcome is overstayed

Making their lives more complicated

So many times echoing inside

Talking about the pain is making it worse

Trying to lock up to most people

Deadening the hurt and rage within

Would it be better or worse

To turn and walk away from it all

Leaving behind some hurt and pain

And trying to start things fresh

Wondering if I'm purposely pushing away

To save their pain for when I'm gone

Knowing it hurts so much inside

Knowing somehow it's not able to hide

Physical surivival is imminent

Is it possible to live the world out there

While turning off the feelings inside

Sinking away from it emotionally

This is all written for you and hoping

Maybe sometime it'll be understood

That the shadow always cared and tried

But it just couldn't stop what was inside

"Empty Box"

9-4-03

I'm looking back and saying once again

Could it be that life has other plans

Or maybe you just found another hand

To hold you through the times that I still can

Can it be seen that I'm losing faith in this

Could it be trying too hard to make it true

Tonight it seems there is nothing left of you

Just an empty box where your thoughts once thrived

Seems this thing has walked away

Leaving a constant confusion in it's place

Stating that destiny cannot be rearranged

Suffering once again, some things never change

Sitting here in chair that you know

Looking in the empty box you once filled

Now it seems it may never be full again

For the last time, could this be the end

Every morning this body still will rise

For now, trying to keep patience not demise

It is said often that only time will tell

Will the patience hold until I learn the truth

Sitting here with things that remind me of you

Feelings felt from this just a short time ago

Maybe it's just the next chapter turning over

Or the anxiousness is just mixing with everything